Still Holding On

This week has been one of the most difficult since I got to Idaho. It has nothing to do with school or friends or boys. It just has to do with me, which in a way I think is worse. Everything has been going awesomely. Last week was really good for me academically. I got a B on a French test I studied hard for and I did all of my required homework. This week has been much the same as far as school goes (except I did miss an assignment for Book of Mormon).

But last week I started skipping meals. There wasn't a reason really, but then I noticed I was doing it and that's when the thoughts started. I hadn't heard them in my head for a while so it was quite a shock when one day last week I went to get something to eat because I had not eaten that day and it was almost 5. I got to the cupboard and all I could hear was And you had been doing so well. Look at you and how weak you are. You can't even go a whole day without stuffing your face. Do you know how fat you've gotten because you're lazy?

So I closed the cupboard and went to the bathroom and got on the scale and the voice said See I told you so. So I didn't eat. Then the next day I didn't eat until Miriam made me because she said it was in celebration of getting a B on my test. We ate in the new cafe in the MC and with all of that noise and with Miriam there was no voice and I could eat. But afterward I felt sick and selfish so that was the only meal I ate. Then on Saturday I ate a meal with Nicole and it was fast food and the voice just screamed at me. Sunday was fast Sunday and it was such a relief to not have to eat I just didn't. I didn't for most of the week. I had a yogurt once and a banana.

Yesterday I spent the entire day at lectures on eating disorders. They said eat what you're craving so you don't overeat and they taught us about intuitive eating so I had a bagel in between lectures and then on the way home I realized I was hungry again and I wanted another bagel so I got one. Then I got home and Nicole's not-boyfriend boyfriend was there and when I was about to eat the bagel he said "Wow that's a big appetite you have"

I completely and utterly broke down. I couldn't eat and I just sobbed and sobbed. So Karyn took care of me and then got Miriam and she helped me eat the bagel. Then Miriam and I made cookies for my French class. There was so much cookie dough from the one recipe I thought I would never be able to finish baking them all.

The really awful thing about all of this...I lost 10lbs and part of me wants to keep going.